The Drama Llama. A Scrappy Gal.

In a relationship there are my needs and her needs and somewhere, in the mix are "our needs". Somewhere, at some point, the two will collide and the laws of inertia will apply, inevitably. An object moving with emotions,wants,needs...a past,a history,fears and demands hits a wall. An exposion occurs if there is no give. One person has to give, has to see the needs of the other. I dig the idea of a pillow fight instead of an explosion because when two feather pillows hit, the force of inertia is downplayed and there is give. Both pillows yield to each other, even taking each other into themselves in places. There is no rock wall. There is not one pillow against a rock wall in which one pillow gives to accomodate the wall...instead both are soft, giving, touching each other and both give when the other needs and take in where is needed. Almost like one of those amazing hundred dollar mattresses with that incredible NASA technology. Instantly melding to your body. In a relationship, we have to mesh with each other or that explosion will be messy. It takes foresight. Relationships always take adjustment.(I'm always saying "adjust,Becca,adjust" like a chant in my head,forcing myself to readjust the way I am feeling and do so quickly). Theres always this period of getting to know each other. You cannot just give up during the first few battles when you don't have each other figured out. In reality, if you want to make it work you don't give up at all. Not if you think it's worth it. Not over the small things. You know what I mean.You have to decide two things. First, do you want to make the effort? And second, is it worth the effort? That second question takes more thought and I remember my marriage counselor asking it and me biting my tongue because I couldnt answer it with any kind of assurance. Today I can answer it with assurance. I think it's worth the effort. I think tending this garden is going to yield beautiful fruit. But I think it's going to need a lot of water.

So, with a little wisdom, a little foresight, tending the garden could be much simpler. Relationships are complex. After twelve years of marriage I hope I have learned a few things and can make better decisions in this new relationship.I still tend to be emotional first and ask questions later. Today I learned another lesson about that and altho I usually make big mistakes I never make them twice.

Usually.

I was expecting my "other" for lunch and I went to great lengths to not only make sure it was perfect but make sure it was on the table on time. She has a very small window of opportunity for her lunch break and has to drive five or six miles home just to be here and that morning we had a brief discussion about whether or not I was capable of having lunch ready on time. I was slightly offended that morning because the two or three times she had come home for lunch it was always ready and always very good. My six year old daughter, Bella, drew a beautiful picture all over the dining room table with washable markers. We were very excited. When she did not show up for lunch and the food got cold I was upset. Especially after discussing with my son how everything had to be timed perfect, could not be reheated...bread turns hard and chewy when reheated in the microwave. I texted her cell phone and asked her to call me and then plugged the cord into the phone because it had been plugged into the computer most of the day for the children to play their online games. They are all home on spring break. I waited but she did not call. Eventually I called her and when she picked up I know I sounded not a little disappointed that she was on the phone instead of on her way here.It went something like this:

"Didnt you check your email today?" she asked.

"No...Why would I check my email? Where would you email me from?" First mistake, I am assuming already she drove to her mom's house instead of here for lunch and emailed me and assuming is always wrong. It puts a defensive tone in your voice and makes you look stupid when you are eventually proven wrong. Second, she does not know I am avoiding checking my email because of harassing emails from my ex husband. I am hiding this from her for several reasons and one of those reasons is that she tends to get overly upset and in the end makes me feel bad for something I can't control. We could talk about that more but really, I hate feeling bad for an ex acting unreasonable. He makes ME feel bad enough as it is without feeling doubly bad. This leads me to hide things when what I really need is her support. Then, I feel bad that I don't have her support when really I am the one hiding things. It is a never ending circle and leads to more and more discontent in a relationship. Back to the story.

"I emailed you this morning to tell you that my truck broke down and I couldn't make it for lunch. I tried to call you but the damn phone rang busy all morning because of the computer so I emailed you." she said.

Now I am defensive.

"I told you that even tho the computer is online I'M not online, so no I did not check email. I was not on the computer, I just forgot to unplug it."

"Don't holler at me, I'm having a bad day, what do you want me to do? My truck is BROKEN DOWN"

"Nothing, I need to go talk to Bella, we did something special...I need to go let her down..." I said, looking into the living room where Bella sat on the couch. I was upset at this point at myself, at Laura for how she responded and at cars and mechanics and money. I was tired of everything. I was just tired and not feeling well.Not only that but I can't count the number of times I have heard that and many other excuses when I've been let down before.The truth is, I mentioned my ex husband's name before she left for work this morning and I was worried that she was unhappy that she left on that note.As I was standing in front of our gas heater this morning it had occurred to me that I should put the grate on or he would yell at me and make me seem like a bad mother. Unfortunately, I think I said I should find it so he could fix it rather than just asking her to fix it. Either way, I should know her by now enough to realize that just because she may seem unhappy over the way I phrased something in the morning does not mean she will stand me up. She has never stood me up before. I was worried about Bella however and how she would react because her father was notorious for standing all of us up on a regular basis.

"What am I supposed to do about it?" She asked, exasperated.

"Nothing..." I began. "I'm having a bad day too, I'm sorry."

And then I heard nothing. She had hung up on me. I waited awhile and then decided to text her something humorous to make her laugh. I texted her and said that if I was able to I would do "the girly slap thing on her for hanging up on me, but I would have to reach up too high (she is very tall) and I knew she'd be able to kick my butt with one arm and one leg tied...because my brother did it one time on a bet." I'm hoping she smiled at that but often she does not understand when I am joking. She either gets upset or just says "are you kidding right now because I can never tell." That also will come in time. I know my humor is obscure and I will be the first to admit I sometimes hide some truth veiled in my humor.

She is working a double shift and then house sitting for someone. I cannot call her. I wish I could. I won't see her until tomorrow when we are ready to go to a friend's house for a weekend. We will be starting our weekend on a rather sour note, I'm afraid. I wish we were able to have time alone, time to communicate. We have been seeing each other for almost two months and have not had a date alone. We have gone out a few times with her friends but never alone. I crave that time alone with her but she is constantly filling her calender with plans that do not include that time. I have trouble finding a babysitter and this, also, is troublesome. I spent hundreds of dollars on a vehicle and still cannot drive it.

She is very different than I am and in many ways I find we balance each other. In other ways, I think I bother her. But I am programmed to believe I bother the one I love. I have to unlearn the negative things I learned in the twelve years of my marriage. I do have to say that I learned many positive things and that I have grown a great deal.

I wish that I always thought first of how someone else was feeling. And I wish that they thought of me. I don't want to become resentful that my feelings are not being heard. Is it ego to feel that I'm not being heard? I want to be held when I'm having a bad day but first I need to be honest about my day. I need to be real about what is happening to me but understand what is going on in her head as well. There are times when I'm not going to be held because her day has been so bad that I need to hold her instead and that is going to have to be ok. We will have to hold each other sometimes. There has to be give and take. Always. It is not always fair daily but it is fair in the end.
I need to make sure I ask the questions before I make the assumptions. I should have understood that something had happened. I should have known that she would have come to lunch unless something unforseeable happened and I should have known she would do whatever she could to contact me-and checked my email.

These are lessons I am learning. I hope she understands that I am learning these lessons and is patient with me. I hope that when she is impatient I am patient with her impatience.

Just because she was somewhat upset when she left this morning does not mean she would break our plans without saying she was breaking our plans. For me to be upset first and ask questions later was wrong.

I need to be the pillow and not the wall.

The pillow and not the wall.

Just another lesson along the way.